A Heavy Heart...

Late last week, a member of New Life Church Gahanna, had a brain aneurysm while on a mission trip to Costa Rica. While Andrew and I don't know him personally, we do know of him. He was very present within our large church. He was a greeter and you saw him and his family every Sunday!  I don't pretend to know him or his wife, although she is very active in the children's ministry (where Andrew and I serve) and was Beckett's Sunday School Teacher. They have 4 very small children (the youngest is 6 months old).  


As I write this, Pastor Brian and Dean are headed back home. Dean quietly passed on Sunday morning (we were told during service). Sabrina, his wife, was able to fly to Costa Rica to be with him. God graciously spared her from making those very difficult decisions she probably prayed about on the flight to him.  They are expected to arrive home tonight around 9pm.


When I found out he had fallen ill, I prayed and I prayed hard. I talked to a few friends of mine about him and to my sister. All people that I know pray. I had to ask them because the entire time I kept thinking "what if". On Sunday, we used the time in service to pray. Pastor Claude asked us to hold hands and pray with each other for Dean and Sabrina, their families, and all the families that have recently suffered.  I was heartbroken, emotional and hormonal. I was sobbing...as was most of the church. What I found out was that I can't pray like that. I was too busy being emotional to have any words...which made me think to myself, why? 


See, I am a silent prayer! As a "new" Christian, I didn't feel like I knew how to pray out loud. I had feelings that people would judge me for what I said or didn't say. Some people have that gift. They are eloquent in it. I stumble over thoughts and over words..and I just can't get them out. 


That day in Church, I knew something had to change. I realized I was doing Sabrina and her family an injustice for praying silently. I know the devil can't read my thoughts but I can't banish him either, IF I don't pray outloud. I reached out. I wasn't sure I was ready to reach out to a pastor yet, so I reached out to someone I felt comfortable and had a very good conversation with her. She wrote me out a sample prayer, which I can tweak to my liking, and I have been praying it OUT-LOUD!  I was also given some book titles to look over--which I rented from the library!


I am sure I have a long way to go. I am sure I wont be writing down my prayers and speaking them forever, but for now, this is what is working. 


Today, I am cooking a meal for the Stoecklin family. Today, I will pray out loud over their food for them before I deliver it. Today is going to be hard! I will pray for our God to deliver them the nourishment to keep their bodies strong and their hearts meek. To provide them every comfort and meet their every need.  To speak to them of His plan and calm them of their fears. Our God has a purpose--he has a plan. We just need to trust in Him! I know I do--even if I don't understand. 


This Saturday, Dean will be laid to rest, and his service will be grand--as it should. He is with the Almighty One.


Blessings to all of you!